Drabbles for Advent
by lifeisawesome
Summary: This is made for the Challenge by Becky Scarlett-Cullen- Advent during New Moon.
1. Holidays

**So this is my response to the challenge sent out by **_**Becky Scarlett-Cullen**_**. I decided to try it out.**

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**Date: **December 1st

**Character: **Bella

**Stimulus: **Holidays

* * *

"Happy holidays!"

Huh? Oh. It must be sometime before the holiday season… I haven't looked at a calendar in so long. No need to start now.

Usually, I would already be moaning and groaning about the gifts. Ugh, the gifts.

I can only imagine the ridiculous thing Alice would buy me. But I stop myself. I can't think about that now. Thinking of Alice doesn't hurt as much as thinking of _him_, but I shouldn't get so close to that line of thought.

"Yeah, holidays." There's no chance mine will be happy at this point.


	2. Gifts

**This chapter has minor swearing in it. Sorry, if that's not cool, but I felt Jasper, Emmett too just to add, would swear. He is 20 after all. Besides, the wolves, according to Charlie have way worse mouthes.**

* * *

**Date:** December 2nd

**Character: **Jasper

**Stimulus: **Gifts

* * *

Gift shopping. I know it's early, but this year I have a plan. I think I might have actually found a way to surprise Alice. It came to me spur of the moment, already a good sign.

I've already bought Alice twenty-three gifts. If I get this done now she won't see me actually _buying _the gifts, putting me one step ahead. Now all I have to do is not think about which I'm giving her. No, I need to buy more to add to the confusion, and buy multiple gifts for Rosalie and Esme. I need more chaos, this has to be really unplanned and strange.

Emmett and I were hunting, when I thought about it. I got so excited Emmett went a little crazy and started singing. I decided killing who ever wrote "The Song that Never Ends" would the best time to fall off the wagon if any.

Falling off the wagon. Bella. Edward. Bella where ever you, I am so sorry.

Edward, come home Alice misses you so much, we all greatest time of year" just bites right now. Your absence has left a giant cloud on everyone. The air feels so heavy, even for a vampire. I try to calm them down, lighten the mood, but you know it only works so well.

I'm heading home now. Thinking about this and wallowing in my guilt a little, when I spot Alice outside already. Is something wrong? Did Edward do something rash? Or did Bella...?

"Jazz! Why do I see you killing a stranger!?" Alice screeched, worried. For me.

"What!?" I said surprised myself.

"No… wait." Alice said getting more from her vision. She frowned, but felt more relaxed. A little amused too. "Jazz, I know that song is annoying, but please don't kill anyone over it." Oh, I guess I was killing that guy. Maybe Alice could help me find him.

I didn't say anything, and started to wrap my arms around her.

"Oh, and I love my gifts by the way," she said smiling.

And I knew it was pointless from the start, of course she would see. Buying her everything in the world wouldn't help. Even if I waited to the last second to decide which gift I'd give her, it wouldn't matter. I'd end up giving it all-every last gift-to her, anyway.

"Damn."

And she just giggled.

I only have 23 days to think of a new plan. Damn.


	3. Riddle

**Date: **December 3rd

**Character: **Bella

**Stimulus: **Riddle

* * *

_What is so fragile, its own name could break it?_

I know this riddle, I've heard it before. I'm pretty sure I know what the answer is.

But that doesn't matter much, because I know the real answer. The answer that fits better.

Bella Swan is so fragile her own name could break her. _I _am so fragile my name own name could break me. My name _does _break me.

Every time I hear my name, I break a little more- I get closer to the edge of insanity. My heart rips open and bleeds, and there's nothing I can do about it. Because I can't take it. I can't take the fact that _he _will never again say my name. That I will never hear my name wrapped in velvet, filled with love, coming from the lips of my angel . Never again.

And that tears me apart.

At this point, I'd almost rather have Charlie call me Isabella.

As long as I'm not reminded of this missing out. The pain that my name will always sound so insignificant from anywhere but but him. It feels so empty.

Just like me, I guess.

_The answer is silence. Because when you say "silence," the silence is broken._

I scream.


	4. Cold

**Date: **December 4th

**Character: **Bella

**Stimulus: **Cold

* * *

I was freezing. My teeth were chattering like crazy. I had on all of my covers, my quilt and two extra comforters. And I was _still_ cold.

Wind kept coming in through the open window, making the already frigid air even more unbearable. Why did it have to be so cold in winter? I know Forks was in the north but this was becoming ridiculous.

This was a bitter cold. It was mocking me, reminding me that it isn't _his _body giving off this wintry feel. I hated it. I could only take so much.

It was beginning to feel extremely unpleasant, too, having my tears freeze on my face. Not enjoyable at all.

I fell asleep eventually, despite my crying, the cold and the pain.

When I woke, my window was closed. Charlie must have come in here last night.

Somehow, the closed window made everything so clear again. And so _painful_. No Edward.

I decided to break my own rules, I couldn't help it. I hoped, despite myself, that Edward would know my window is always open for him. And I laughed darkly. Like it would matter. He's off with distractions. No one's coming back.

I remember my old words, _"And then… I decided it didn't matter."_

Nothing does.


	5. Bells

**Date: **December 5

**Character: **Charlie

**Stimulus: **Bells

Ding-dong, ding-dong. Chinx, chinx, chinx, chinx. Ring, ring, ring, ring-a-ling. Ting, ting, ting. Clink, clink.

Christmas time, I swear. Forks really goes above and beyond with its holidays.

All these bells! Everywhere you go you hear ringing! I thought I was going crazy for a while there.

Except my bell doesn't ring.

My Bells, my beautiful Bella. What has that boy done to you? It's been so long. Why aren't you at least a little happier?

I miss hearing the ring of my little Bella's laugh. The only "bells" really worth listening to.

The silence isn't comfortable anymore, it's awkward and suffocating.

Where's the music of your voice?

Christmas is going to be empty this year. Real empty. What's Christmas without music? Without Bells?


	6. Candy Canes

**I still haven't done a chapter on Edward yet! Oh man! He one of the biggest characters! The male lead! I promise I'll do one for him soon! But, come _on,_** **what is** **_wrong _with m_e_! **

**Date: **December 6th

**Character: **Renee

**Stimulus: **Candy Canes

* * *

Oh my gosh! Look at all the colors! Red, of course, but blue, green, pink, purple, yellow, orange, rainbow, more rainbow!

Peppermint, winter mint, chocolate, strawberry, jelly bean, butterscotch, blueberry, cherry, bubblegum! Is that pina colata!?

Jolly Rancher, Starburst, Sweet Tarts, Hershey, Spree, Gobstopper! All kinds of candy getting in on the Christmas action!

I never knew candy canes came in so many flavors!

That's it! I must get them all.

So! Let's see... two of these, six of these, one of this, three of these, and one of each of the rest.

"Renee, hon, do we really need this many candy canes?" my wonderful hubby Phil said.

"Oh. Hmmm...I suppose not. But come on Phil! Blueberry! Sweet Tart! We _need _to try butterscotch!"

"Sweetie, I love you, but we don't need _this _many." Waving his arm in front of the cart half full of candy canes.

Oh, Phil, get in the spirit! It's Christmas! And _everyone_ _knows _Christmas isn't Christmas without _candy canes_.

"Well… hey! We could give them to the team! And Bella! Oh, I just _know _she'll love this one. And our neighbors! And our friends! This'll be great!"

This is good. Bella needs some cheering up!

Actually, I've been worried. She's hardly responding to my emails. I feel like I'm talking to myself- a one-sided conversation.

But it's like she's getting worse. I just need to make sure Bella knows I haven't given up on her. That I will never give up on her.

I should've known this would happen. She was so attached. But how could he leave her? This isn't a rhetorical question. _How _could he _leave_ her? The last time I saw them… I mean he was _terrified _of the thought of being away from her for _two seconds._ Appalled, offended, physically ill. How could he leave her?

I know Charlie hates Edward. It was obvious. But if this is what happened to _Bella_… I can't imagine what the separation is doing to _him_.

Oh, I hope they be reunited soon. I don't know how long this can last…how long _they _can last.

"All right, Renee. We can get them, just not this much, 'kay?"

"Yay! Thanks, dear!" I say as I peck him on the lips. Candy canes- yum!


	7. Cheer

**Date: **December 7th

**Character: **Edward

**Stimulus: **Cheer

* * *

Parting with Bella is even more painful now that it's the holidays. Everyone I see- every thought I hear- is positive, happy and downright joyful.

Excitement is in the air. Little kids are not-so subtly hinting at what they want for Christmas, adults happily buying such gifts, while also moaning at the cost, and families are home for the holidays.

_Lovers_ are taking it all in and spending the holidays together.

All this ecstasy makes me more miserable, if that's possible. It definitely weakens my self-control. I want so badly right now just to go home back to my Bella. My body _needs_ it- I feel like I'm being torn apart from the inside.

I've seen what I look like from what feels like a million different view points. Most people feel sorry for me actually, a tragedy during the holidays. Something is definately wrong with me- eben the humans notice.

_How sad for him. _

_I wonder if someone died. _

_Did his girlfriend cheat on him, or something?_

I know I'm hurting the family by being away, which makes this all the more unbearable.

_"Mommy, can I have this?"_

_I wonder if my girl will like her gift..._

_Uncle Jimmy's home!_

_Mistletoe!? Oh God, I'm gonna _die _from embarrassment. _

I hope Bella's holidays are better than mine.


	8. Poinsettias

**Here's the website I used for research . **

* * *

**Date: **December 8th

**Character: **Rosalie

**Stimulus: **Poinsettias

* * *

One of my favorite flowers would have to be the poinsettia.

Second to the rose, of course.

They're gorgeous- almost as pretty as I am.

I love the color, the shape, the meaning. I remember when my mom told me the story behind them, it was one of the few good things that stuck with me from my human life.

Two Christian children were sad that they could not find a suitable gift for the baby Jesus for the Nativity, because it was Mexican tradition to get the Baby Jesus a gift. On their way to the Church they found a weed, but that was all they could give so they picked it, and continued on. The other children teased them for their gift, but when they laid down the weed, it bloomed into a beautiful poinsettia, and the most wondrous gift of all.

They're supposed to be in the shape of a star. A red starburst- poetic in a way.

I think, maybe, that's how Bella was for Edward. In the beginning, she was just a little weed, a bother, a nuisance. But then, she just bloomed. And... Poof! No more useless, annoying human who makes him thirsty, and now a beautiful, fragile thing worth protecting.

But that was a while ago. Edward has left his little poinsettia, and is going to come home when she dies. Poinsettias only last a little while after all.

I don't want to be cruel, but if means having my family together again, I hope that flower wilts soon.


	9. Lights

**Date: **December 9th

**Character: **Angela

**Stimulus: **Lights

* * *

Forks is a small town- that much was true.

I've never really minded that- it didn't affect me as much as it could have.

I know there were downsides to living in a town this small, but it was always something easy to get over, or something that had nothing to do with me, or just a part of life that had to be dealt with like an adult.

However, this was one of the few cases where I wished Forks wasn't such a close knit town.

The Cullens showed me that Forks is just one giant set of Christmas lights. One goes out and we all do.

Bella went out when Edward stepped out. Mike lost his light because she did. Jessica dimmed when Mike did. Tyler and Eric were in the same boat as Mike. Meaning, Lauren was with Jessica, and I'm sure _someone _is sad because of Eric's light losing its shine- especially in this town.

Even Ben and I are feeling this. Bella and I were friends… I wish she could shine again.

Now their parents are worried about them and are wondering what happened.

No one is making the connections between the weight of emotions and Bella's "death."

Mr. Swan definitely darkened when Bella's light went out. And his friends are sad for _him_.

And so on and so forth. That is why small towns are so dangerous. With everyone being so close, one light goes and...

Bam!

So do the rest.


	10. Strange

**Date: **December 10th

**Character: **Alice

**Stimulus:** Strange

* * *

_Christmas is playing in the back round. Two people I've never met are arguing. From the sound of it they're fighting over… Christmas plans, I think? A girl? I'm not sure…_

"_But Dad! Why can't I!? You said she was _hurt_! That she was _dead_ inside! We should go visit her for Christmas! Cheer her up!" shouted a young man- eighteen, at least. _

_The older man, apparently his father was stern, a stone. "No. It's better if we didn't, Jake."_

"_But WHY!?"_

"_Jake, we're not going. It will only be more painful for the both of you. Give her some time. Besides, we're going to Billy's for Christmas. Quil will be there. Embry, too. So settle down."_

"_UGHHHHHHHH! FINE!"_

And that was the end of it.

Jazz was looking at me patiently, feeling my confusion.

"What was it about?"

"I … don't …entirely know."

What _was _that vision about?

"I don't get it Jasper. I saw two strangers, but what was really strange was they hadn't made a decision yet. They were _making_ one."

"What? I think we should ask Carlisle."

"No, no. It was just odd, don't worry."

* * *

**If you didn't get it, Jake and Billy were fighting because Jake wanted to visit Bella, but Billy said no. The reason Alice saw this is because she sees Bella's future. Bella decided to do nothing for Christmas, and this was the outcome of her decision. I think Bella's fate is twisted in enough with Jacob's that Alice might be able to see this (Jake isn't a wolf yet).**


	11. Break

**I am back! Ugh, sorry for not updating. High school really sucks sometimes. Crazy- my drama club was putting on Go-Go Beach- neat musical, but when the show's on in two days and our lead doesn't know his lines… Well, things get a little nuts.**

* * *

**Date: **December 16th

**Character: **Bella

**Stimulus: **Break

**Dedication: **To all of my readers, who accept my apology for being so late, and encourage me to keep on writing.

**THANK YOU!!!!**

* * *

"See 'ya next year Bella!"

"What do you mean Mike?" I say, for once, snapping out of my zombie state. He was surprised to see me do something so rare as well.

"Uhh, um, you know. It's Christmas break. Whoo? Vacation?" he stammered, clearly still in shock.

He also says that like a question. Like he doesn't really believe I agree.

"Break? Vacation? What do you mean, it's only…" But I know. Time has gone by. I'm still getting older and the clock is still ticking.

"Yeah, I'll see you after break, in the new year? Uh, unless you want to, um, hang out, or-er-something?"

"I…" I look away, "You know I can't, Mike."

I quickly hurry to my car without waiting for a response. On my way home I'm in more than the usual pain, and have a tough time making it. Because not only do I have to feel the pain _now_, but I now have reservations. I know greater pain is coming.

Christmas break was going to break me. What was I going to _do_? I'll have so much time on my hands. So much _time_ to think of _him_.

This is bad. I have to think of something time consuming. Something that won't allow my thoughts to wander. Soon.


	12. Job

**Lots of question marks in this chapter. Mike isn't really in the know, and he knows it.**

* * *

**Date: **December 17th

**Character: **Mike

**Stimulus: **Job

* * *

Wow. Um, okay.

Why is Bella _Swan _calling _me_? _Now?_ This is pretty weird, though I'm not complaining. She sounds kind of hopeful, which is more emotion I've heard from her in so long.

Maybe she's taking me up on that offer to hang out… I really doubt it, but a guy can dream can't he?

"Hey, Mike. It's, uh, Bella, yeah." Wow. She sounds really awkward, like she hasn't been on the phone in ages. But really? A _girl _not on the _phone_? *snort* That's ridiculous.

"Hey, what's up?" God I say this even more awkwardly than her.

She pauses. She caught that didn't she?

"So, are you really excited for Christmas, or what?"

"…"

"Bella? Are you okay?" Did I say something?

"Oh! Um… yeah, of course." That's good. She hasn't been… well lately.

"So why are you calling?" Really, it was strange. Maybe she finally got over that ass, Cullen.

"… " More silence. Until she _finally _says:

"Okay, I'm really sorry to be asking, Mike, but I heard your parents owned a store, and I was, well,_ wondering_ if…"

"Come on Bella! You can ask me anything!" I say. This sounded really good for me at the moment.

She sighs. "Well, I wanted to know if you're parents were hiring. I really need a job. Please." I should think so. She sounds so desperate right now, I can here the strain in her voice.

When I don't say anything she rushes, " Because, you know, I wanted to buy Charlie and Renee gifts" She paused. "You know?"

"Yeah, I mean why else would you want to work?"

She let's out a little giggle. The back of my mind tells me it's a nervous giggle... Nah, can't be.

So I just say, "Yeah, my parents'll love the help. Especially this time of year. When can you start?"

"Tomorrow." Without the least hesitation.

"Great, I'll tell 'em tonight. See you tomorrow."

"Yeah, bye," and the line is dead.


	13. Cartoon

**Date: **December 18th

**Character: **Carlisle

**Stimulus: **Cartoon

* * *

It was almost tradition for the family to pause for a minute and watch a little whenever we were channel flipping and heard the word vampire.

The things humans came up with! It was always enjoyable to see the insanity we were portrayed as. I remember the time Alice accidentally caught a little bit of _Interview with a Vampire. _She ended up watching the whole thing!

But this… this was different. I chuckled despite myself.

The kids thought it was hysterical.

"_Nuh uh. Dracula doesn't suck._

_You're a vampire! Vampires suck blood!_

_Uh un. That's a myth. You see Dracula scrapes with his fangs and lick up the blood. Like this: ah,ala ala. Scrape. And lick. Ahalal . And lick. Alalhala._

Wow. This is… new.

Through their laughter Emmett managed to choke a few words out.

"Oh man! And to think we've been doing it wrong all along!" Which, of course sent them on another outburst.

"Of all the myths they could have…" Rosalie snickered.

This continued a while until they started making phone calls.

"Hey, Tanya!" Emmett shouted into the phone between guffaws.

He waited for a response then started yelling into the phone.

"You are in for the shock of your life! I mean existence!"

He paused.

"Listen. Vampires do not suck blood. They scrape and lick! SCRAPE AND LICK!

He was waiting for a response then turned back and said, "She hung up."

"Of course she did, you fool."

Ahh, Rosalie… the ever loving wife.

At least this can't last long.

**THREE WEEKS LATER**

"Hey, Carlisle. Hey, Carlisle. Scrape. And lick. Ahalahlaha. Scrape. And lick. Ahalalhalhal." The kids said while "scraping and licking."

Ridiculous.

I'm glad patience is one of my strong suits.

"Hey, Esme. Hey, Esme! Scra-"

"Leave Esme out of this if you know what's good for you," I interrupted with a glare.

"Scary! Run!"

*Sigh* For people who've lived for decades you'd think they'd have more than ounce of maturity.

* * *

**For those who were wondering, that was **_**The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy**_**, one of the several episodes with Dracula. And yes. Vampires do not bite they scrape and lick. I have a you tube link at the top of my profile if you want to see, or whatever. If you're checking that out Fred Fred Burger. He's also from the show and even more funny. **


	14. Heart

**Date: **December 19th

**Character: **Bella

**Stimulus: **Heart

* * *

I take my first good look at the Christmas tree.

I don't know when Charlie did this, but it didn't look like he finished.

There was one ornament- a glass heart.

I didn't know what I was doing. I picked it up.

Being my stupid, clumsy, human self, I dropped it.

Dad rushed in. "Bella are you okay!? I heard a crashing sound!"

"No dad, I'm fine. Just a broken heart."


	15. Nuts

**Date: **December 20th

**Character: **Emmett

**Stimulus: **Nuts

**Dedication: **AnimeAvatarVampirelover49, because if it weren't for her, I would never get off my butt and finish writing.

* * *

I think I might go crazy. Insane, mad, batty, cracked. Nuts.

Jasper feels so much depression I think he might shoot himself. That wouldn't do anything to him, of course, but it's the thought that counts. The thought that he wants to kill himself. I tell you this, because, basically, that's how everyone else feels, he just gets the feelings tenfold. Which means he spreads it more. I know he tries not to, but he can only do so much.

Alice, the only exception, is whistling "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire," or whatever that song's name is. Nice. She's off living in the future, knowing things only she knows. She sees good things. Which should be pretty hopeful, but it's not because at this point, betting _on_ Alice is like betting on Bella _not_ tripping.

Then she gets her I'm-no-longer-here-because-I'm-seeing-you-do-something-tomorrow look. Freak.

She shakes her head, and gets really sad look. Great. Even _I_ know that _this_ is a sure thing. I take what I said earlier back. You can your life on Alice- as long as it's on _bad_ news.

No one bothers to ask her what she saw, she knows to just tell us.

"He's not coming home."

Everyone knew _who_ she was talking about, but no one knew _what_ she was saying.

"Edward, he was coming home for Christmas. He decided not to. He's been changing his mind so much lately. He even considered going back to Bella for a week. But now… He's just lonely. Oh, he's going to call in…"

*Ring*

I got to the phone first. "Sup?"

"Hey, Em" Wow. He sounded really, you know, dead. Like, not even vampire dead, but corpse, rotting-from-the-inside, zombie dead.

"Watcha want, bro?"

"Alice probably told you guys, and I know I shouldn't ask for favors, but please, please do me this one thing, please." He was begging. _Edward_ was begging.

I couldn't say no.

"Sure, what do you want me to do?"

He paused. "No. Never mind," he paused again, and as a side note, "I'll call you on Christmas to say hello. Tell Esme and Carlisle I'm so, so sorry." And with that, he hung up.

Poor boy, he's gone nuts.

And I laugh. Edward always did say I find humor in stupid things. But really, I kept saying those exact words when he first met Bella. Even now, Bella's making him nuts.

But not in the _fun_ way. Never in the _fun_ way. Even after _100 years_, he can't get some. So I laugh again. Loser.

My siblings gave me looks, so I say, "Edward's crazy."

Rose rolled her eyes, and Jazz asked me if I was on anything.

Alice looked down and said, "He really has gone nuts."

But I stop laughing, eventually, because Edward's not coming home and my baby sister isn't allowed to visit and Christmas is going to blow this year.


	16. Train of Thought

**Date: **December 21st

**Character: **Bella

**Stimulus: **Train of Thought

**Dedication: **AnimeAvatarVampirelover49 again, I appreciate the reviews and compliments- I can never get enough.

* * *

Right now, my mind wanders.

I vaguely smell smoke, but I don't pay attention. If anything was on fire, I don't think it would be able burn me, what with my cold, empty life and heart.

I was working at Newton's. It wasn't bad. It gave me something to do. I couldn't think of _him_, when I was too bust giving smelly guys tents. I actually liked that part of Christmas- it was a really busy time of year for the store. I never got to, thank God, sit. Mr. Newton even said I could keep working there after the holidays. I was unbelievably grateful. Time was hard to waste.

But, I now find time to think- it was Sunday. Sundays were days of the devil- or vampire in my case. In my week, on average, the time I spent thinking of _him_ took place mostly on Sundays. So, I let my mind continue on this safe train of thought. Thinking of my job, my life, how annoyed I am that school let out.

The burning smell is more noticeable. I never miss an opportunity to think of non-_him _related subjects, so I head downstairs.

Holy-! Something really _was_ on fire! I screamed.

Charlie comes rushing downstairs, almost smacking into me. He rushes to get the fire out and I watch.

When he's pretty sure it's all out he looks at me and I shrug. I have no idea how the table caught on fire. I don't think I want to know.

Doesn't matter much to me. My life had already gone up in flames.

This thought, naturally-I can never be _happy_, sends my train of thought on _him_. Bring on the pain.


	17. Mistletoe

**Date:** December 22nd

**Character:** Bella

**Stimulus: **Mistletoe

* * *

I'm walking into the Newtons' shop when I notice _it_ for the first time. There is mistletoe hanging on the door.

I suck in a breath.

I look around me for a quick second to make sure no one sees me. When I'm certain no one saw me I run out. I'm glad I got here early- no one was expecting me.

I drive to the nearest payphone and slam in a few quarters.

"Hello. Newton's Survival Shop. How may I help you?" It's Mrs. Newton, and relief fills me that it isn't Mike.

"Hi, Mrs. Newton. It's Bella."

"Oh! What is it, dear?" she says and I can hear the worry.

"I can't come in to work today. I _really_ don't feel good." I'm not even lying.

She asks me if it's cramps and I go along with it- it's believable. I hang up- no work for _me_ today- and sit in my car.

That's when the wave of pain hits. I'm actually surprised I made it this _long_.

I wrap my arms around me like usual, and begin to cry.

I wish for the life of me that these were _his_ cold arms wrapped around my waist.

I begin to think of things I shouldn't. I'll never kiss _him_ again. Not just because, not "because I'm beautiful," not because _he_ loves me, and _not_ under the mistletoe.

I cry a little- lot- more before I feel ready enough to drive. This thought reminds me of him again- his love of cars, his love of driving. His stupid, shiny Volvo.

I can't drive in my "intoxicated" state, and I just keep _thinking_ of _him_.

I don't get home until dark.


	18. Cause

Date: December 23rd  
Character: Jasper

Stimulus: Cause

* * *

No one blames me for the birthday and what happened because of it.

Emmett shrugged and said we all fall off the wagon, Rosalie said she predicted this and if I didn't attack she would have and Esme shook her head, as if to say "don't think about it. " Carlisle told me he was proud of me for backing off when I did. He meant it, too.

Alice, my darling, snorted, after I mentioned the party more than a few times. "Puh-leeze, Jazzy. Look at me." I did. "I've seen Edward, the _loverboy_, kill her a few times, okay? I even saw _me_ killing her once or twice. Now stop acting like you're so special- you are by the way- and treat me to some fun."

Edward didn't even blame me. Of course, he blamed himself, but he would blame himself if Bella was diagnosed with cancer. I _know_ he would find a way to bring it back to him. That dude had some _serious_ balme issues. But what really got me was Bella. When I was feeling like crap-and rightfully guilty- after we had moved, Edward laughed darkly and said she blamed herself, and she said this was to be _expected_.

That day, Edward looked and felt sick. Ever since then, I've always wondered if we could puke. Would we regurgitate blood as a barfing equivalent? This is what keeps me up at night! I laugh at my own joke knowing full well it was only because Emmett was doing something funny to make himself laugh, meaning I would laugh and get off track in the first place.

Jokes aside, I knew I wasn't to blame. Edward decided to leave on his own. But I _was_ the start of all this. The _cause_ of all this crazy.


	19. End and Beginning

**Date: **December 24th

**Character: **Bella

**Stimulus: **End

It's Christmas Eve.

I'm not exactly sure how I know, but I do.

It's the end of Advent, yet the beginning of a new liturgical season. At least, that's what I know from Renee's religious phase.

I don't think I'll be able to feel the new season. I only notice endings these days.

I lay on my bed with a peace of mind. I'm not thinking of _him_, I'm not thinking of life, or Newton's shop and tents, or anything really. Just lying.

I have some form of gratefulness that Christmas is almost over and people will go back to the recommended dose of happiness and cheer. It's getting to be more than I can take.

I got Charlie new fishing gear from the store with my employee discount, and he got me the second best thing anyone could have. Nothing at all.

I feel a connection though and it's strange. I feel bound to something I don't know, but I don't over think it. I'm so tired. I hope I'll get sleep on today of all days.

* * *

Character:

Edward

**Stimulus: **Beginning

It is the beginning of something.

I feel like a rope is wrapping around me and tying me down.

Vampires don't change much. I know that I will forever love my Bella and never love any other being. I made up my mind, but now my mind is changing.

This is the beginning of the end. I know at this moment, this is the start of the deterioration of my resolve.

What a horrid thing to start. I have never felt so weak in my life. And it'll just get worse.

The bond between my Bella and I is tightening somehow, pulling me to her, so painful I can't ignore.

I want to be with her now. But no.

Life after death is beginning to change again.


End file.
